Just so you know.
I still can’t breathe when I think of you, and that’s why I can’t find anyone else. It’s been years, and I’ve had the occasional man here and there but I always find my mind coming back to you. It isn’t fair to any of the men I’ve dated to sit there and compare them to you. After all you put me through, there is still some part of my twisted, mangled brain that considers you to be the epic standard that no one will ever meet. The picture of perfection that cannot possibly be matched. I am setting myself up for failure each and everyday that I think of you, and a day doesn’t pass that I don’t.
Pathetic. Really.
You’re the only one who could take my breath away with just a look. It was cheesy, cliche, reckless, romantic, tragic, and irreplaceable.
You shaped me into who I am today, so in a sense, I will never be able to escape you. You’re a part of me. I wish you weren’t. But I’m so glad you are.
I can’t have you, and I don’t want you. I mean, I desperately want you but I know how bad you were for me, and everyone tells me that I don’t deserve that so…besides, after all these years and all the lies and the rumors, you wouldn’t want me anyway. I don’t know if you ever did in the first place. Maybe you’re just really good at pretending.
I’m terrified that I will never find what I found in you again. It’s been so many years and I still haven’t. I can’t settle. I won’t. I would take you back in a heartbeat, even with all of the bad.
For now I’ll keep looking for anyone who can replace you. Anyone who can make me forget you. Anyone BETTER than you. I know someone is out there.
